Candy Kirby
According to a study conducted by brave Northwestern University researchers willing to approach parents waiting in cars in the school pick-up line, 100 percent of those parents are consumed with murderous rage.
“I got here two hours early and there are still 15 cars in front of me,” fumed murderous dad, Ken Johnson, whose overwhelming boredom had driven him to even checking the golf section of ESPN.com on his phone.
Others were less restrained in their assessment of the situation.
“I’M GONNA CUT A B*TCH!” screamed human resources manager and mother of two, Lindsay Holt, while flipping off Carter’s mom, who had just cut her off and weaseled her way into the pick-up line despite arriving well after Holt and others. Carter’s mom responded by staring straight ahead and pretending not to notice as Holt laid on her horn.
“I inched along in the after-school line for an hour,” cried stay-at-home mom and essential oils advocate Helen Williamson-Greene. “And when I finally got to the front of the line, the attendant told me I was in the wrong lane and made me start all over again. Can you believe it? Even lavender won’t alleviate this stress — I’m heading straight for the sandalwood and mainlining that shit!”
“People block you in, and you have to wait an eternity for their precious child to get in the car when your child has been in your car forever, it seems,” said mom Kourteney Kelley, who was already irritated that school pickup interfered with her Marvelous Mrs. Maisel binge session. “Like, seriously. GET. IN. THE. DAMN. CAR!” she added with murderous undertones.
Experts suggest avoiding such murderous feelings by walking, homeschooling or keying Carter’s mom’s SUV.
