In a world where Boko Haram is kidnapping thousands of women and children and forcing them into sexual slavery and ISIS is recruiting thousands of Americans on social media (job benefits include “office-supplied suicide bombs, eternal martyrdom and 72 virgins, plus a flexible work schedule!”), it is crucial to turn a keen eye to what REALLY matters and ask ourselves:
Who are the most powerful babies in the world?
That’s right — the staffers at Entertainment Weekly were obviously envious of their sister publication, People, and the magazine’s investigative pieces digging deep into national matters such as “Who Is the Sexiest Man Alive?” and “Who Are the World’s Most Beautiful People?” and have now thrown their hat into the Pulitzer Prize ring with a list of THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL BABIES.
I don’t think I can put it any better than Entertainment Weekly, which eloquently introduces the list by noting:
If the children are our future, these babies will ensure that star power rules long afterthis [SIC] generation literally can’t even anymore.
Without further ado, here are the power babies, along with how they got on the esteemed list, according to inside sources I will protect to my death (don’t even try bribing me, I cannot reveal my — Oh! A fun-sized Twix Bar? Yeah, okay, my cats told me. NOW HAND OVER THE TWIX!).
1. Prince George of Cambridge
PARENTS: Prince William & Catherine of Cambridge
HOW HE GOT ON THE LIST: Let’s just say Queen Elizabeth has some dangerously pointy fascinators and she’s NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM.
2. North West
PARENTS: Kanye West & Kim Kardashian
HOW SHE GOT ON THE LIST: SHE WASN’T ON YO’ DAMN LIST BUT I SNEAKED HER IN HERE CUZ MY GIRL IS THE BEST BABY OF ALL TIME! THE PICASSO OF BABIES. THE JESUS OF BABIES. MY GIRL POOPS IN LANVIN! –Kanye
3. Wyatt Kutcher
PARENTS: Ashton Kutcher & Mila Kunis
HOW SHE GOT ON THE LIST: How are we supposed to know? We’re still trying to figure out how Ashton got that gig on Two and a Half Men.
4. Silas Timberlake
PARENTS: Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel
HOW HE GOT ON THE LIST: By being the offspring of the man who popularized “D*ck in a Box.” That does wield great power.
5. River Rose Blackstock
PARENTS: Kelly Clarkson & Brandon Blackstock
HOW SHE GOT ON THE LIST: By not being the offspring of Justin Guarini.
6. Princess Charlotte of Cambridge
PARENTS: Prince William & Catherine
HOW SHE GOT ON THE LIST: Let’s just say Queen Elizabeth has Royal Guardsmen trained in various forms of martial arts and she’s NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM.
7. James Reynolds
PARENTS: Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively
HOW SHE GOT ON THE LIST: By offering free screening tickets to Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 3.
8. Avri Downey
PARENTS: Robert Downey Jr. & Susan Downey
HOW SHE GOT ON THE LIST: Her dad is Iron Man.
9. Everly Tatum
PARENTS: Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan Tatum
HOW SHE GOT ON THE LIST: Her dad is Magic Mike.
10. Oliver Finlay Dallas
PARENTS: Josh Dallas & Ginnifer Goodwin
HOW HE GOT ON THE LIST: We’re not sure, but somewhere Blue Ivy and Harper Beckham are rolling their eyes, “Seriously?”
11. Justin Bieber
PARENTS: Jeremy Bieber & Patricia Mallette
HOW HE GOT ON THE LIST: For acting like a baby! Get it? Ha, haaaaa!
WHO DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT: Your baby.
WHY: Because your baby made the mistake of being born to a commoner such as yourself.